Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of All Ages –
Buckle yourselves in and get ready for a bumpy ride; it’s time for the Coffey Christmas Letter!
Hayley turned 16 this year (no, she didn’t) and is a sophomore at Lewis & Clark (nope). She also has a boyfriend (no, she doesn’t), complete with flippy hair. After many hours in line and two separate trips to the DMV she also has her learner’s permit (no, no, no). In an attempt to be like her mother, who “drives into houses,” she tried to drive through the neighbor’s fence (okay, she MIGHT have done that). Her parents may be in a little bit of denial. She also has a new hole in her head (she got her nose pierced).
Jeremy began his last pre-teen year this year. Jeremy enrolled in online school for junior high, to the great relief of mental health professionals, who were concerned with the fact that every teacher Jeremy has ever had needed to be committed. They hope that the buffer of a computer should help to preserve the sanity of Jeremy’s teachers. Of course, there is no such buffer between Jeremy and Paul, who is his learning coach. Betting is fierce for who will break first.
The highlight of Mollie’s year was having shingles (no, seriously, it was a really slow year). She was quite disappointed, because she was really hoping for a nice set of cedar shakes instead. The pain, scarring and discomfort of shingles barely edged out the second highlight of Mollie’s year – having the entire Wolfe family together for the first time in many years.
Paul decided to really freak everyone out by going to the Emergency Room not once, not twice, but three times in the space of one month. You know it’s not a good sign when the doctors and nurse in the ER start to recognize you. The good news is the cardiologists found the problem, a thoracic aortic aneurysm, and the main thing to do right now is just keep an eye on it. The bad news is that eventually it’ll need to be fixed or Paul’s chest will burst like in Aliens. Well, maybe not just like that, but…
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, December 20, 2009
2009
Could it be? Is it really? Yes, it’s the Coffey Family Christmas Letter! The waiting is finally over!
Hayley is 15 now, and is frighteningly good at being both a high school student (at Lewis & Clark) and a Goth. We actually saw her most nights from August through December (those of you who have been reading this letter for the last several years know what an epic event that is) as she watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. As Hayley is now wanted by authorities for stalking flippy-haired celebrities, she now goes by the aliases Lock, Lucifer, and Dr Stevie. She shares her fabulous (but non-sparkly) vampire minions Rodger and Fredrick with BFF Kara.
Jeremy has become known around the house as Bigfoot, since he now wears bigger shoes than Paul. Jeremy is 11 now, and in an effort to be more like Jake on “Two and a Half Men” is actually doing LESS homework in 6th grade than he did in 5th (no, we didn’t believe it was possible either). He claims that it frees up the time that he needs to train his zombie minions. His teachers at All Saints School have to keep reminding him that turning his classmates undead will result in a trip to the principal’s office.
Mollie is still working at the public library. This year she received her 20-year pin (although technically she’s been there 23 years). At this time, there is no known cure for library addiction. After last year’s slew of injuries Mollie decided to make herself a smaller target for bad luck. She has lost as much weight as a medium-sized child. Unfortunately for her, neither of her kids is medium-sized, so they’re still around to drive her to drink. On the bright side, the alcohol does wonders at fueling her pink elephant minions!
Judging from people’s reactions, the biggest story about Paul is that he actually grew back his hair. It may be more silver than brown, but it’s there. He’s like a human chia pet. He has alternated his free time between practicing his “touch my daughter and you die” speech, and perfecting his theory of teleportation, which would have come in handier last year, when he was still working three jobs at the school. Despite no longer doing hot lunch or being a teacher’s aide, Paul still interacts with the students as the school librarian, and believes his student minions are developing nicely.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
The Coffeys
Hayley is 15 now, and is frighteningly good at being both a high school student (at Lewis & Clark) and a Goth. We actually saw her most nights from August through December (those of you who have been reading this letter for the last several years know what an epic event that is) as she watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. As Hayley is now wanted by authorities for stalking flippy-haired celebrities, she now goes by the aliases Lock, Lucifer, and Dr Stevie. She shares her fabulous (but non-sparkly) vampire minions Rodger and Fredrick with BFF Kara.
Jeremy has become known around the house as Bigfoot, since he now wears bigger shoes than Paul. Jeremy is 11 now, and in an effort to be more like Jake on “Two and a Half Men” is actually doing LESS homework in 6th grade than he did in 5th (no, we didn’t believe it was possible either). He claims that it frees up the time that he needs to train his zombie minions. His teachers at All Saints School have to keep reminding him that turning his classmates undead will result in a trip to the principal’s office.
Mollie is still working at the public library. This year she received her 20-year pin (although technically she’s been there 23 years). At this time, there is no known cure for library addiction. After last year’s slew of injuries Mollie decided to make herself a smaller target for bad luck. She has lost as much weight as a medium-sized child. Unfortunately for her, neither of her kids is medium-sized, so they’re still around to drive her to drink. On the bright side, the alcohol does wonders at fueling her pink elephant minions!
Judging from people’s reactions, the biggest story about Paul is that he actually grew back his hair. It may be more silver than brown, but it’s there. He’s like a human chia pet. He has alternated his free time between practicing his “touch my daughter and you die” speech, and perfecting his theory of teleportation, which would have come in handier last year, when he was still working three jobs at the school. Despite no longer doing hot lunch or being a teacher’s aide, Paul still interacts with the students as the school librarian, and believes his student minions are developing nicely.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
The Coffeys
2008
Happy Holidays, everyone!
This is the annual holiday letter from the Coffeys. It is a little later than usual, because we have been so busy lately, what with all the procrastinating that so often happens this time of year.
Hayley is 14 now, and a vampire. To keep from being staked her cover is being a cheerleader and a mentor in the mentoring program at school, as well as earning a Chase Youth Award for her part in reading stories to children in the hospital. She spends most of her time brooding, sighing, and acquiring shoes (even teen vampire angst can’t trump fashion). We rarely see her at all, since she spends almost all her time in her room, with the music up loud. We only see her at meal times and when wrestling is on TV. Though she is a vampire, we are in no fear of her biting us, as she assures us we have absolutely no taste. Besides, she is saving herself for Edward Cullen. Her story is soon to be a motion picture starring Morgan Freeman as Hayley.
Jeremy has reached the ripe old age of 10, and believe me, sometimes he is indeed quite ripe. His plans for the New Year include changing his name to George, moving in with Weird Al Yankovic, and writing a spirited new revision of Puff the Magic Dragon, while wrestling for the WWE in his spare time. He is in 5th grade now, and thinks that he has learned everything he needs to know. This has led to his petitioning to skip grades 6 through 12, letting the Ivy League schools resume their bidding war for him. His story is soon to be a motion picture starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Jeremy.
Mollie, as you know, tried to show Jeremy how “fun” and “safe” water parks are this summer. She sprained her wrist in June, then broke her leg in two places in August, while going down a water slide, thus necessitating the metal plate in her leg (seriously, you can’t make this stuff up). She really enjoyed her time stuck in a wheelchair, although not as much as the joy of sliding herself up the stairs to use our only bathroom on the second floor. For the New Year, she is planning to show Jeremy how “fun” and “safe” bungee jumping and sky surfing can be. Her story is soon to be a motion picture starring Eddie Izzard as Mollie.
Paul turned 40 this year, and much to Mollie’s chagrin took it in stride (You’re old now – accept it!). As the father of a beautiful 14-year-old girl, he is planning on acquiring a potent and sizeable firearms collection. He has perfected his menacing scowl to ward off potential suitors. And his favorite part of all of this is that Hayley can’t complain if he’s cleaning his guns if a potential date comes over, because the dad in Twilight was doing the same thing (yes, you did just hear her roll her eyes). He followed his minions to first grade this year, hoping to further their evil potential. His story is soon to be a motion picture starring Britney Spears as Paul (they’ve both been bald).
We hope everyone has a “fun” and “safe” holiday season!
The Coffeys
This is the annual holiday letter from the Coffeys. It is a little later than usual, because we have been so busy lately, what with all the procrastinating that so often happens this time of year.
Hayley is 14 now, and a vampire. To keep from being staked her cover is being a cheerleader and a mentor in the mentoring program at school, as well as earning a Chase Youth Award for her part in reading stories to children in the hospital. She spends most of her time brooding, sighing, and acquiring shoes (even teen vampire angst can’t trump fashion). We rarely see her at all, since she spends almost all her time in her room, with the music up loud. We only see her at meal times and when wrestling is on TV. Though she is a vampire, we are in no fear of her biting us, as she assures us we have absolutely no taste. Besides, she is saving herself for Edward Cullen. Her story is soon to be a motion picture starring Morgan Freeman as Hayley.
Jeremy has reached the ripe old age of 10, and believe me, sometimes he is indeed quite ripe. His plans for the New Year include changing his name to George, moving in with Weird Al Yankovic, and writing a spirited new revision of Puff the Magic Dragon, while wrestling for the WWE in his spare time. He is in 5th grade now, and thinks that he has learned everything he needs to know. This has led to his petitioning to skip grades 6 through 12, letting the Ivy League schools resume their bidding war for him. His story is soon to be a motion picture starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Jeremy.
Mollie, as you know, tried to show Jeremy how “fun” and “safe” water parks are this summer. She sprained her wrist in June, then broke her leg in two places in August, while going down a water slide, thus necessitating the metal plate in her leg (seriously, you can’t make this stuff up). She really enjoyed her time stuck in a wheelchair, although not as much as the joy of sliding herself up the stairs to use our only bathroom on the second floor. For the New Year, she is planning to show Jeremy how “fun” and “safe” bungee jumping and sky surfing can be. Her story is soon to be a motion picture starring Eddie Izzard as Mollie.
Paul turned 40 this year, and much to Mollie’s chagrin took it in stride (You’re old now – accept it!). As the father of a beautiful 14-year-old girl, he is planning on acquiring a potent and sizeable firearms collection. He has perfected his menacing scowl to ward off potential suitors. And his favorite part of all of this is that Hayley can’t complain if he’s cleaning his guns if a potential date comes over, because the dad in Twilight was doing the same thing (yes, you did just hear her roll her eyes). He followed his minions to first grade this year, hoping to further their evil potential. His story is soon to be a motion picture starring Britney Spears as Paul (they’ve both been bald).
We hope everyone has a “fun” and “safe” holiday season!
The Coffeys
2007
Dear Y’all –
It’s not quite Christmas, so it must be time for the insanity called the Coffey Christmas Letter!
When Paul’s plan to build a clone army from spare parts purchased on the black market went awry, he retreated once again to the kids’ school. First & second graders weren’t quite malleable enough, so he’s an aide in Kindergarten this year. The downside to children that small as minions is that they can’t do much. So Paul took over the hot lunch program at the middle school and is using the food to mind control the students. He hopes to have his legions trained by the Presidential Election.
Jeremy has turned to the Dark Side and become a Sith Lord. Darth Wedgie (his Sith name) felt that mayhem and destruction fueled by anger was right up his alley. His fourth grade classmates are considering whether or not to incur his wrath by joining up with the Rebellion. Jeremy hopes to have his full Sith powers in time to influence the Presidential Election.
Mollie is working on a time machine, so that she can go back in time and talk to herself. For example, she would like to go back to the time she said, “I’d like to be a supervisor,” and punch herself in the face. Of course, the fact that the remote control for the TV, the cable box and the VCR are all beyond Mollie’s meager technical skills, coupled with her near-complete ignorance of scientific theory, doesn’t bode well for her chances of success. She claims that it will work by the Presidential Election.
Hayley seems to have perfected a teleportation device that she keeps in her room. She uses it to visit North Carolina and her new husband, the professional wrestler Jeff Hardy. At least that’s our assumption. Since Hayley became a teenager this year (in fact rather than just in action & attitude) we’re lucky to see her out of her room even to eat. Or to watch wrestling on TV. Perhaps she’ll be down in time for the Presidential Election.
Hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
It’s not quite Christmas, so it must be time for the insanity called the Coffey Christmas Letter!
When Paul’s plan to build a clone army from spare parts purchased on the black market went awry, he retreated once again to the kids’ school. First & second graders weren’t quite malleable enough, so he’s an aide in Kindergarten this year. The downside to children that small as minions is that they can’t do much. So Paul took over the hot lunch program at the middle school and is using the food to mind control the students. He hopes to have his legions trained by the Presidential Election.
Jeremy has turned to the Dark Side and become a Sith Lord. Darth Wedgie (his Sith name) felt that mayhem and destruction fueled by anger was right up his alley. His fourth grade classmates are considering whether or not to incur his wrath by joining up with the Rebellion. Jeremy hopes to have his full Sith powers in time to influence the Presidential Election.
Mollie is working on a time machine, so that she can go back in time and talk to herself. For example, she would like to go back to the time she said, “I’d like to be a supervisor,” and punch herself in the face. Of course, the fact that the remote control for the TV, the cable box and the VCR are all beyond Mollie’s meager technical skills, coupled with her near-complete ignorance of scientific theory, doesn’t bode well for her chances of success. She claims that it will work by the Presidential Election.
Hayley seems to have perfected a teleportation device that she keeps in her room. She uses it to visit North Carolina and her new husband, the professional wrestler Jeff Hardy. At least that’s our assumption. Since Hayley became a teenager this year (in fact rather than just in action & attitude) we’re lucky to see her out of her room even to eat. Or to watch wrestling on TV. Perhaps she’ll be down in time for the Presidential Election.
Hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
2006
Dear Those Lucky Enough To Be Reading This Letter –
Yes, just barely in time, it’s the near-legendary Coffey Christmas Letter!
This year Paul went back to selling Tupperware (to which the most common response was, “You quit?”) as a means of world conquest. When that didn’t succeed he decided that the best way to take over the world was to mold the minds of children. Since Hayley’s 6th grade class & Jeremy’s 3rd grade class were moldy enough, he became a teacher’s aide for the 1st Grade. The upside is that young children are easy to mold. The downside is that Paul will have to wait for them to grow up to take over the world.
Jeremy tried to get kicked out of school so he could be sent to military school. He figured that military school would be a great place to get well-trained minions. Unfortunately, an attempt to get his lackeys on America’s Funniest Home Videos caused such havoc and widespread injury that he returned to All Saints to attend the 3rd grade. He is currently working on a new plan to take over the world.
After finding last year’s resolution to break all 10 Commandments too easy, Mollie decided she would spend this year committing all 7 Deadly Sins. This caused us all concern when we discovered a new 4 1/2 inch scar on her shoulder. She claims it was from a surgery to remove skin cancer, but as it happened during her “Wrath” stage we suspect it came from a knife fight. Unfortunately, she won’t make it all the way through the sins this year – she hit “Sloth” and hasn’t done a thing since. Next year she’ll put “Sloth” as the 7th Sin, all the better to take over the world. (And she might just do “Gluttony” twice).
Hayley presented the stereotypical image of a pre-teen 6th grader – she spent all of her time in her room listening to her music and playing Sims on her computer. She barely would come out for food or to watch Harry Potter. It turns out that she’s actually been trying to work out the harmonics to mix music and computer games to hypnotize people and take over the world.
Hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (“What are we going to do next year, Brain?” “The same thing we do every year, Pinky. Try to take over the world!”)
Yes, just barely in time, it’s the near-legendary Coffey Christmas Letter!
This year Paul went back to selling Tupperware (to which the most common response was, “You quit?”) as a means of world conquest. When that didn’t succeed he decided that the best way to take over the world was to mold the minds of children. Since Hayley’s 6th grade class & Jeremy’s 3rd grade class were moldy enough, he became a teacher’s aide for the 1st Grade. The upside is that young children are easy to mold. The downside is that Paul will have to wait for them to grow up to take over the world.
Jeremy tried to get kicked out of school so he could be sent to military school. He figured that military school would be a great place to get well-trained minions. Unfortunately, an attempt to get his lackeys on America’s Funniest Home Videos caused such havoc and widespread injury that he returned to All Saints to attend the 3rd grade. He is currently working on a new plan to take over the world.
After finding last year’s resolution to break all 10 Commandments too easy, Mollie decided she would spend this year committing all 7 Deadly Sins. This caused us all concern when we discovered a new 4 1/2 inch scar on her shoulder. She claims it was from a surgery to remove skin cancer, but as it happened during her “Wrath” stage we suspect it came from a knife fight. Unfortunately, she won’t make it all the way through the sins this year – she hit “Sloth” and hasn’t done a thing since. Next year she’ll put “Sloth” as the 7th Sin, all the better to take over the world. (And she might just do “Gluttony” twice).
Hayley presented the stereotypical image of a pre-teen 6th grader – she spent all of her time in her room listening to her music and playing Sims on her computer. She barely would come out for food or to watch Harry Potter. It turns out that she’s actually been trying to work out the harmonics to mix music and computer games to hypnotize people and take over the world.
Hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (“What are we going to do next year, Brain?” “The same thing we do every year, Pinky. Try to take over the world!”)
2005
Dear Person or Persons Receiving This Now-Legendary Letter,
No asylums, no rogue AI, just a simple and honest note lacking all sarcasm and humor to let you know how our year has been.
And if you believe that one…
This year Paul has taken the War on Terror to heart. He became the secret commander of a special covert intelligence team, using the cover of a Catholic school library coordinator. His team has caught several dangerous terrorist cells cleverly disguised as squirrels. While he is currently on trial for the catastrophic collateral damage caused, he is confident the jury will not convict him.
The second grade teacher at All Saints saw Jeremy coming and quit, so he has the new teacher (poor thing didn’t know what she was getting into). He is working hard at convincing people he is of demonic heritage, if not the Anti-Christ himself. He can howl, speak in tongues, is painfully uncomfortable in church and even spat in the Holy Water (he claims he was trying to spit on his friend Jacob instead). He insists that the Anti-Christ is immune from prosecution and so cannot be convicted.
Mollie turned 40 this year. (No I didn’t!) She had to move to Egypt (Sorry, not 40, didn’t happen), because if she’s going to be the Queen of Denial (That was someone else’s party) she should actually be at de Nile. (I’m still in my 20’s. Really) Although we do suspect that at some point Count Olaf replaced Mollie, as she has a tattoo of an eye on her left ankle (Hey, wait! I got that for my birthday! But it wasn’t my 40th!) If she does turn out to be Olaf we have no doubt she will be convicted.
Hayley is now in 5th grade and up at the middle school. Not that she noticed, though. She spent the entire year counting the months, weeks, days, hours and seconds until the new Harry Potter movie. She then decided she wanted to have her own premiere party and flew to England, kidnapping the stars and bringing them home with her. We are pretty sure that the jury will not convict her, although her return to the asylum is imminent. And we have a new son-in-law in Daniel Radcliffe.
Happy Holidays to all! (Gee, I hope we don’t get in trouble for that)
No asylums, no rogue AI, just a simple and honest note lacking all sarcasm and humor to let you know how our year has been.
And if you believe that one…
This year Paul has taken the War on Terror to heart. He became the secret commander of a special covert intelligence team, using the cover of a Catholic school library coordinator. His team has caught several dangerous terrorist cells cleverly disguised as squirrels. While he is currently on trial for the catastrophic collateral damage caused, he is confident the jury will not convict him.
The second grade teacher at All Saints saw Jeremy coming and quit, so he has the new teacher (poor thing didn’t know what she was getting into). He is working hard at convincing people he is of demonic heritage, if not the Anti-Christ himself. He can howl, speak in tongues, is painfully uncomfortable in church and even spat in the Holy Water (he claims he was trying to spit on his friend Jacob instead). He insists that the Anti-Christ is immune from prosecution and so cannot be convicted.
Mollie turned 40 this year. (No I didn’t!) She had to move to Egypt (Sorry, not 40, didn’t happen), because if she’s going to be the Queen of Denial (That was someone else’s party) she should actually be at de Nile. (I’m still in my 20’s. Really) Although we do suspect that at some point Count Olaf replaced Mollie, as she has a tattoo of an eye on her left ankle (Hey, wait! I got that for my birthday! But it wasn’t my 40th!) If she does turn out to be Olaf we have no doubt she will be convicted.
Hayley is now in 5th grade and up at the middle school. Not that she noticed, though. She spent the entire year counting the months, weeks, days, hours and seconds until the new Harry Potter movie. She then decided she wanted to have her own premiere party and flew to England, kidnapping the stars and bringing them home with her. We are pretty sure that the jury will not convict her, although her return to the asylum is imminent. And we have a new son-in-law in Daniel Radcliffe.
Happy Holidays to all! (Gee, I hope we don’t get in trouble for that)
2004
Dear Friends, Foes and Family who don’t fall into the aforementioned categories –
Wouldn’t you know it? The asylum releases us for the holidays and an evil artificial intelligence has taken over our computer! We finally wrested control back, and that’s why the annual Coffey Holiday Letter was delayed this year. At least we got it out while it still is this year!
This May Paul broke off his 16-year affair, sending his ponytail to live far away. The now-bald Paul had further troubles this fall when The Incredibles came out, detailing how a bald man with a goatee and his large buddy (sounds like Paul & Tom) would go out on Wednesday nights (still sounds like them) and play superhero (definitely them!). In an attempt to re-establish his secret identity Paul has grown back hair and actually stayed home a few Wednesdays. Any resemblance between him and any superheroes is purely coincidental.
On the other end of the spectrum, Jeremy spent his year as a supervillian-in-training. He was kicked out of five different Ivy League schools for hijacking their mainframes in his attempt to take over the world. We pulled him out of college and sent him to first grade at All Saints in the hopes that the residual spirits of the nuns will guide him to the light. Any resemblance between him and any rulers is purely coincidental.
Mollie has taken to making sculptures from the hair found in the bathtub drain to relieve her stress. With the loss of Paul’s tresses she has now added belly-button lint and toenail clippings to her building supplies. As Mollie is continually in a state of stress she has completed a full-scale model of Gone With the Wind, including all sets and costume changes. She is currently planning her next sculpture, possibly the entire Harry Potter series. Any resemblance between her and Cleopatra, Queen of Denial is purely coincidental.
Hayley spends all of her free time in England, running headlong into the barriers between platforms 9 & 10 at any train station she can find. She insists she did make it on the Hogwarts Express once, actually arriving at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and meeting the love of her life, Harry Potter (who does actually look just like Daniel Radcliffe). However, she has hit so many walls that she can’t remember which station she actually found Platform 9 3/4 at. Any resemblance between her and a lunatic football player is purely coincidental.
Hope you have a Happy Holiday season and a wondrous New Year!
Wouldn’t you know it? The asylum releases us for the holidays and an evil artificial intelligence has taken over our computer! We finally wrested control back, and that’s why the annual Coffey Holiday Letter was delayed this year. At least we got it out while it still is this year!
This May Paul broke off his 16-year affair, sending his ponytail to live far away. The now-bald Paul had further troubles this fall when The Incredibles came out, detailing how a bald man with a goatee and his large buddy (sounds like Paul & Tom) would go out on Wednesday nights (still sounds like them) and play superhero (definitely them!). In an attempt to re-establish his secret identity Paul has grown back hair and actually stayed home a few Wednesdays. Any resemblance between him and any superheroes is purely coincidental.
On the other end of the spectrum, Jeremy spent his year as a supervillian-in-training. He was kicked out of five different Ivy League schools for hijacking their mainframes in his attempt to take over the world. We pulled him out of college and sent him to first grade at All Saints in the hopes that the residual spirits of the nuns will guide him to the light. Any resemblance between him and any rulers is purely coincidental.
Mollie has taken to making sculptures from the hair found in the bathtub drain to relieve her stress. With the loss of Paul’s tresses she has now added belly-button lint and toenail clippings to her building supplies. As Mollie is continually in a state of stress she has completed a full-scale model of Gone With the Wind, including all sets and costume changes. She is currently planning her next sculpture, possibly the entire Harry Potter series. Any resemblance between her and Cleopatra, Queen of Denial is purely coincidental.
Hayley spends all of her free time in England, running headlong into the barriers between platforms 9 & 10 at any train station she can find. She insists she did make it on the Hogwarts Express once, actually arriving at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and meeting the love of her life, Harry Potter (who does actually look just like Daniel Radcliffe). However, she has hit so many walls that she can’t remember which station she actually found Platform 9 3/4 at. Any resemblance between her and a lunatic football player is purely coincidental.
Hope you have a Happy Holiday season and a wondrous New Year!
2003
Dear Family and Friends,
Can it really be time again for the infamous Coffey Family Christmas Letter?
Paul decided he wasn’t doing quite enough volunteer work at the kids’ school, so in addition to becoming the Middle School library coordinator, class auction project coordinator, lunch monitor, field trip chaperone, in-class helper & retreat helper he is now teaching all classes in all grades for free. While it’s running him a bit haggard, it certainly has given the teachers the time they have been looking for to complete various projects. Paul is seriously considering coaching all sports, doing maintenance, driving the school bus and cooking & serving school lunches by the end of the school year. And we’re seriously considering having him institutionalized.
Mollie has decided that the key to a happy life is to have a happy, positive outlook. She has removed all bitterness, sarcasm, spite and anger from her life. Of course, to do this she also removed her job, all clothing but a Mardi Gras mask & a feather boa and any other human contact from her life as well. We’re considering having her institutionalized as well; if we can ever get her to come out of the dark closet she’s sealed herself in.
Despite a vicious bidding war, which included offers of personal aircraft and heavy weapons, Jeremy decided to not attend an Ivy League school this year. He felt his talents at chaos, destruction and madness would be much more fully utilized in a Catholic school. So he started kindergarten at All Saints this year. Surprisingly, even though his teacher had Hayley for kindergarten she didn’t run screaming to catch the first flight out of the country when she learned Jeremy would be in her class. She has since begun to suspect that staying was a mistake. There is currently a debate as to whether she, Jeremy or both should be institutionalized.
Hayley spends what time she is herself in her third grade class at All Saints. However, we believe something went wrong with her attempts last year to become an animal. Often she will go from being a sweet, good-humored little girl to something else - horns sprout from her head, wing come out of her back, flames shoot from her fanged mouth and her barbed tail is a terror to behold. If the exorcism doesn’t work she may need to be institutionalized.
Don’t be surprised if next year’s letter comes on State Hospital stationary.
May you all have Happy Holidays and a wondrous New Year.
The Coffeys -- Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy
Can it really be time again for the infamous Coffey Family Christmas Letter?
Paul decided he wasn’t doing quite enough volunteer work at the kids’ school, so in addition to becoming the Middle School library coordinator, class auction project coordinator, lunch monitor, field trip chaperone, in-class helper & retreat helper he is now teaching all classes in all grades for free. While it’s running him a bit haggard, it certainly has given the teachers the time they have been looking for to complete various projects. Paul is seriously considering coaching all sports, doing maintenance, driving the school bus and cooking & serving school lunches by the end of the school year. And we’re seriously considering having him institutionalized.
Mollie has decided that the key to a happy life is to have a happy, positive outlook. She has removed all bitterness, sarcasm, spite and anger from her life. Of course, to do this she also removed her job, all clothing but a Mardi Gras mask & a feather boa and any other human contact from her life as well. We’re considering having her institutionalized as well; if we can ever get her to come out of the dark closet she’s sealed herself in.
Despite a vicious bidding war, which included offers of personal aircraft and heavy weapons, Jeremy decided to not attend an Ivy League school this year. He felt his talents at chaos, destruction and madness would be much more fully utilized in a Catholic school. So he started kindergarten at All Saints this year. Surprisingly, even though his teacher had Hayley for kindergarten she didn’t run screaming to catch the first flight out of the country when she learned Jeremy would be in her class. She has since begun to suspect that staying was a mistake. There is currently a debate as to whether she, Jeremy or both should be institutionalized.
Hayley spends what time she is herself in her third grade class at All Saints. However, we believe something went wrong with her attempts last year to become an animal. Often she will go from being a sweet, good-humored little girl to something else - horns sprout from her head, wing come out of her back, flames shoot from her fanged mouth and her barbed tail is a terror to behold. If the exorcism doesn’t work she may need to be institutionalized.
Don’t be surprised if next year’s letter comes on State Hospital stationary.
May you all have Happy Holidays and a wondrous New Year.
The Coffeys -- Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy
2002
Dear Family and Friends,
Welcome once again to the now almost legendary Coffey Family Christmas Letter.
Paul appeared to have discovered a limitless, non-polluting energy source using just two pieces of Tupperware, sauerkraut, seawater and a pencil. Unfortunately for the world, it turned out that he was just tapping into the singularity surrounding the black hole in Jeremy’s stomach. And even with what a clean, renewable energy source would mean to the world, he just couldn’t sell off the boy.
Following her “reassignment” at the library, Mollie appears to have set her mind upon a career at the Post Office. At least that’s what we thought when she started talking about ‘going postal,’ at least until she started debating the merits of an MP-5 over an AK-47. She is currently babbling happily under close observation.
Harvard has finally had enough of our children and has banned them for life (much to the delight of the other Ivy League schools, who immediately began a bidding war). This was, of course, prompted by Jeremy’s decision to quit Harvard. Considering the number of times our children have dropped out of Harvard, I suppose I can see their point. Jeremy left Harvard because he decided that if he was going to take over the world and corrupt the system, he should know what the system was actually like. So he started pre-school at All Saints this fall.
Hayley has little time for her second grade classes at All Saints. In her efforts to become the best zookeeper ever, she is dividing all of her time between learning to speak to all animals (she’s hoping for an internship with Dr. Dolittle this summer) and turning into an animal herself. Since she cannot find a werewolf to bite her, she is currently trying to get her pet hamster Patches to teach her.
May you all have Happy Holidays and a wondrous New Year.
The Coffeys -- Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy
Welcome once again to the now almost legendary Coffey Family Christmas Letter.
Paul appeared to have discovered a limitless, non-polluting energy source using just two pieces of Tupperware, sauerkraut, seawater and a pencil. Unfortunately for the world, it turned out that he was just tapping into the singularity surrounding the black hole in Jeremy’s stomach. And even with what a clean, renewable energy source would mean to the world, he just couldn’t sell off the boy.
Following her “reassignment” at the library, Mollie appears to have set her mind upon a career at the Post Office. At least that’s what we thought when she started talking about ‘going postal,’ at least until she started debating the merits of an MP-5 over an AK-47. She is currently babbling happily under close observation.
Harvard has finally had enough of our children and has banned them for life (much to the delight of the other Ivy League schools, who immediately began a bidding war). This was, of course, prompted by Jeremy’s decision to quit Harvard. Considering the number of times our children have dropped out of Harvard, I suppose I can see their point. Jeremy left Harvard because he decided that if he was going to take over the world and corrupt the system, he should know what the system was actually like. So he started pre-school at All Saints this fall.
Hayley has little time for her second grade classes at All Saints. In her efforts to become the best zookeeper ever, she is dividing all of her time between learning to speak to all animals (she’s hoping for an internship with Dr. Dolittle this summer) and turning into an animal herself. Since she cannot find a werewolf to bite her, she is currently trying to get her pet hamster Patches to teach her.
May you all have Happy Holidays and a wondrous New Year.
The Coffeys -- Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy
2001
Dear Family and Friends,
Happy Holidays to all! It’s everyone’s favorite time of year, time for the Coffey’s terribly sarcastic and cynical Christmas letter!
I’d like to say that we’ve had a productive year, but you all know us too well for that. But we have managed to keep busy. Hayley is in first grade at All Saints Catholic School, and took first-runner-up in the Miss Smart-mouth Pageant. She would have won, but she kept mouthing off to the judges. As you can guess, she wasn’t named Miss Congeniality. She has kept busy with her hobbies of parting the Red Sea for tour buses, and breaking 5 of the 10 commandments daily.
Jeremy is now 3, and he is very good at it. Those of you who have had three-year-olds, you know what I mean. Those whose kids are not yet three, BE VERY AFRAID. Jeremy has been earning extra money running a meth lab in our basement, and singing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. His complete aversion to the potty is becoming a problem, especially when he competes in the Mr. Universe competition. That diaper makes such an unsightly bulge.
Paul has recently become a Tupperware consultant (okay, that part is for real). He thought it would be a good way to meet babes. He is also the room mother for Hayley’s classroom (also true). When he is not participating in these frightfully domestic duties, Paul likes to relax by making lifelike nude sculptures out of Legos. He also likes to stand on street corners wearing nothing but a Speedo, a feather boa and bunny slippers, quoting Konrad Adenauer.
Mollie made quite a stir in the medical community when she discovered that celery causes fat cells to multiply, and chocolate cake (taken internally) stimulates hair growth and improves eyesight. In her spare time, she helps out at parties by making obscene balloon animals. On weekends, she likes to call herself Ingrid and sing naughty sailor ditties while moonwalking through the mall.
Hope this letter finds you all well!
Love, the Coffey’s
Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy
Happy Holidays to all! It’s everyone’s favorite time of year, time for the Coffey’s terribly sarcastic and cynical Christmas letter!
I’d like to say that we’ve had a productive year, but you all know us too well for that. But we have managed to keep busy. Hayley is in first grade at All Saints Catholic School, and took first-runner-up in the Miss Smart-mouth Pageant. She would have won, but she kept mouthing off to the judges. As you can guess, she wasn’t named Miss Congeniality. She has kept busy with her hobbies of parting the Red Sea for tour buses, and breaking 5 of the 10 commandments daily.
Jeremy is now 3, and he is very good at it. Those of you who have had three-year-olds, you know what I mean. Those whose kids are not yet three, BE VERY AFRAID. Jeremy has been earning extra money running a meth lab in our basement, and singing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. His complete aversion to the potty is becoming a problem, especially when he competes in the Mr. Universe competition. That diaper makes such an unsightly bulge.
Paul has recently become a Tupperware consultant (okay, that part is for real). He thought it would be a good way to meet babes. He is also the room mother for Hayley’s classroom (also true). When he is not participating in these frightfully domestic duties, Paul likes to relax by making lifelike nude sculptures out of Legos. He also likes to stand on street corners wearing nothing but a Speedo, a feather boa and bunny slippers, quoting Konrad Adenauer.
Mollie made quite a stir in the medical community when she discovered that celery causes fat cells to multiply, and chocolate cake (taken internally) stimulates hair growth and improves eyesight. In her spare time, she helps out at parties by making obscene balloon animals. On weekends, she likes to call herself Ingrid and sing naughty sailor ditties while moonwalking through the mall.
Hope this letter finds you all well!
Love, the Coffey’s
Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy
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