2002

Dear Family and Friends,

Welcome once again to the now almost legendary Coffey Family Christmas Letter.

Paul appeared to have discovered a limitless, non-polluting energy source using just two pieces of Tupperware, sauerkraut, seawater and a pencil. Unfortunately for the world, it turned out that he was just tapping into the singularity surrounding the black hole in Jeremy’s stomach. And even with what a clean, renewable energy source would mean to the world, he just couldn’t sell off the boy.

Following her “reassignment” at the library, Mollie appears to have set her mind upon a career at the Post Office. At least that’s what we thought when she started talking about ‘going postal,’ at least until she started debating the merits of an MP-5 over an AK-47. She is currently babbling happily under close observation.

Harvard has finally had enough of our children and has banned them for life (much to the delight of the other Ivy League schools, who immediately began a bidding war). This was, of course, prompted by Jeremy’s decision to quit Harvard. Considering the number of times our children have dropped out of Harvard, I suppose I can see their point. Jeremy left Harvard because he decided that if he was going to take over the world and corrupt the system, he should know what the system was actually like. So he started pre-school at All Saints this fall.

Hayley has little time for her second grade classes at All Saints. In her efforts to become the best zookeeper ever, she is dividing all of her time between learning to speak to all animals (she’s hoping for an internship with Dr. Dolittle this summer) and turning into an animal herself. Since she cannot find a werewolf to bite her, she is currently trying to get her pet hamster Patches to teach her.

May you all have Happy Holidays and a wondrous New Year.

The Coffeys -- Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy