2003

Dear Family and Friends,

Can it really be time again for the infamous Coffey Family Christmas Letter?

Paul decided he wasn’t doing quite enough volunteer work at the kids’ school, so in addition to becoming the Middle School library coordinator, class auction project coordinator, lunch monitor, field trip chaperone, in-class helper & retreat helper he is now teaching all classes in all grades for free. While it’s running him a bit haggard, it certainly has given the teachers the time they have been looking for to complete various projects. Paul is seriously considering coaching all sports, doing maintenance, driving the school bus and cooking & serving school lunches by the end of the school year. And we’re seriously considering having him institutionalized.

Mollie has decided that the key to a happy life is to have a happy, positive outlook. She has removed all bitterness, sarcasm, spite and anger from her life. Of course, to do this she also removed her job, all clothing but a Mardi Gras mask & a feather boa and any other human contact from her life as well. We’re considering having her institutionalized as well; if we can ever get her to come out of the dark closet she’s sealed herself in.

Despite a vicious bidding war, which included offers of personal aircraft and heavy weapons, Jeremy decided to not attend an Ivy League school this year. He felt his talents at chaos, destruction and madness would be much more fully utilized in a Catholic school. So he started kindergarten at All Saints this year. Surprisingly, even though his teacher had Hayley for kindergarten she didn’t run screaming to catch the first flight out of the country when she learned Jeremy would be in her class. She has since begun to suspect that staying was a mistake. There is currently a debate as to whether she, Jeremy or both should be institutionalized.

Hayley spends what time she is herself in her third grade class at All Saints. However, we believe something went wrong with her attempts last year to become an animal. Often she will go from being a sweet, good-humored little girl to something else - horns sprout from her head, wing come out of her back, flames shoot from her fanged mouth and her barbed tail is a terror to behold. If the exorcism doesn’t work she may need to be institutionalized.

Don’t be surprised if next year’s letter comes on State Hospital stationary.

May you all have Happy Holidays and a wondrous New Year.

The Coffeys -- Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy