2007

Dear Y’all –

It’s not quite Christmas, so it must be time for the insanity called the Coffey Christmas Letter!

When Paul’s plan to build a clone army from spare parts purchased on the black market went awry, he retreated once again to the kids’ school. First & second graders weren’t quite malleable enough, so he’s an aide in Kindergarten this year. The downside to children that small as minions is that they can’t do much. So Paul took over the hot lunch program at the middle school and is using the food to mind control the students. He hopes to have his legions trained by the Presidential Election.

Jeremy has turned to the Dark Side and become a Sith Lord. Darth Wedgie (his Sith name) felt that mayhem and destruction fueled by anger was right up his alley. His fourth grade classmates are considering whether or not to incur his wrath by joining up with the Rebellion. Jeremy hopes to have his full Sith powers in time to influence the Presidential Election.

Mollie is working on a time machine, so that she can go back in time and talk to herself. For example, she would like to go back to the time she said, “I’d like to be a supervisor,” and punch herself in the face. Of course, the fact that the remote control for the TV, the cable box and the VCR are all beyond Mollie’s meager technical skills, coupled with her near-complete ignorance of scientific theory, doesn’t bode well for her chances of success. She claims that it will work by the Presidential Election.

Hayley seems to have perfected a teleportation device that she keeps in her room. She uses it to visit North Carolina and her new husband, the professional wrestler Jeff Hardy. At least that’s our assumption. Since Hayley became a teenager this year (in fact rather than just in action & attitude) we’re lucky to see her out of her room even to eat. Or to watch wrestling on TV. Perhaps she’ll be down in time for the Presidential Election.


Hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year