2009

Could it be? Is it really? Yes, it’s the Coffey Family Christmas Letter! The waiting is finally over!

Hayley is 15 now, and is frighteningly good at being both a high school student (at Lewis & Clark) and a Goth. We actually saw her most nights from August through December (those of you who have been reading this letter for the last several years know what an epic event that is) as she watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. As Hayley is now wanted by authorities for stalking flippy-haired celebrities, she now goes by the aliases Lock, Lucifer, and Dr Stevie. She shares her fabulous (but non-sparkly) vampire minions Rodger and Fredrick with BFF Kara.

Jeremy has become known around the house as Bigfoot, since he now wears bigger shoes than Paul. Jeremy is 11 now, and in an effort to be more like Jake on “Two and a Half Men” is actually doing LESS homework in 6th grade than he did in 5th (no, we didn’t believe it was possible either). He claims that it frees up the time that he needs to train his zombie minions. His teachers at All Saints School have to keep reminding him that turning his classmates undead will result in a trip to the principal’s office.

Mollie is still working at the public library. This year she received her 20-year pin (although technically she’s been there 23 years). At this time, there is no known cure for library addiction. After last year’s slew of injuries Mollie decided to make herself a smaller target for bad luck. She has lost as much weight as a medium-sized child. Unfortunately for her, neither of her kids is medium-sized, so they’re still around to drive her to drink. On the bright side, the alcohol does wonders at fueling her pink elephant minions!

Judging from people’s reactions, the biggest story about Paul is that he actually grew back his hair. It may be more silver than brown, but it’s there. He’s like a human chia pet. He has alternated his free time between practicing his “touch my daughter and you die” speech, and perfecting his theory of teleportation, which would have come in handier last year, when he was still working three jobs at the school. Despite no longer doing hot lunch or being a teacher’s aide, Paul still interacts with the students as the school librarian, and believes his student minions are developing nicely.

Have a wonderful holiday season!

The Coffeys