2005

Dear Person or Persons Receiving This Now-Legendary Letter,

No asylums, no rogue AI, just a simple and honest note lacking all sarcasm and humor to let you know how our year has been.

And if you believe that one…

This year Paul has taken the War on Terror to heart. He became the secret commander of a special covert intelligence team, using the cover of a Catholic school library coordinator. His team has caught several dangerous terrorist cells cleverly disguised as squirrels. While he is currently on trial for the catastrophic collateral damage caused, he is confident the jury will not convict him.

The second grade teacher at All Saints saw Jeremy coming and quit, so he has the new teacher (poor thing didn’t know what she was getting into). He is working hard at convincing people he is of demonic heritage, if not the Anti-Christ himself. He can howl, speak in tongues, is painfully uncomfortable in church and even spat in the Holy Water (he claims he was trying to spit on his friend Jacob instead). He insists that the Anti-Christ is immune from prosecution and so cannot be convicted.

Mollie turned 40 this year. (No I didn’t!) She had to move to Egypt (Sorry, not 40, didn’t happen), because if she’s going to be the Queen of Denial (That was someone else’s party) she should actually be at de Nile. (I’m still in my 20’s. Really) Although we do suspect that at some point Count Olaf replaced Mollie, as she has a tattoo of an eye on her left ankle (Hey, wait! I got that for my birthday! But it wasn’t my 40th!) If she does turn out to be Olaf we have no doubt she will be convicted.

Hayley is now in 5th grade and up at the middle school. Not that she noticed, though. She spent the entire year counting the months, weeks, days, hours and seconds until the new Harry Potter movie. She then decided she wanted to have her own premiere party and flew to England, kidnapping the stars and bringing them home with her. We are pretty sure that the jury will not convict her, although her return to the asylum is imminent. And we have a new son-in-law in Daniel Radcliffe.

Happy Holidays to all! (Gee, I hope we don’t get in trouble for that)