2001

Dear Family and Friends,

Happy Holidays to all! It’s everyone’s favorite time of year, time for the Coffey’s terribly sarcastic and cynical Christmas letter!

I’d like to say that we’ve had a productive year, but you all know us too well for that. But we have managed to keep busy. Hayley is in first grade at All Saints Catholic School, and took first-runner-up in the Miss Smart-mouth Pageant. She would have won, but she kept mouthing off to the judges. As you can guess, she wasn’t named Miss Congeniality. She has kept busy with her hobbies of parting the Red Sea for tour buses, and breaking 5 of the 10 commandments daily.

Jeremy is now 3, and he is very good at it. Those of you who have had three-year-olds, you know what I mean. Those whose kids are not yet three, BE VERY AFRAID. Jeremy has been earning extra money running a meth lab in our basement, and singing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. His complete aversion to the potty is becoming a problem, especially when he competes in the Mr. Universe competition. That diaper makes such an unsightly bulge.

Paul has recently become a Tupperware consultant (okay, that part is for real). He thought it would be a good way to meet babes. He is also the room mother for Hayley’s classroom (also true). When he is not participating in these frightfully domestic duties, Paul likes to relax by making lifelike nude sculptures out of Legos. He also likes to stand on street corners wearing nothing but a Speedo, a feather boa and bunny slippers, quoting Konrad Adenauer.

Mollie made quite a stir in the medical community when she discovered that celery causes fat cells to multiply, and chocolate cake (taken internally) stimulates hair growth and improves eyesight. In her spare time, she helps out at parties by making obscene balloon animals. On weekends, she likes to call herself Ingrid and sing naughty sailor ditties while moonwalking through the mall.

Hope this letter finds you all well!

Love, the Coffey’s
Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy