2008

Happy Holidays, everyone!

This is the annual holiday letter from the Coffeys. It is a little later than usual, because we have been so busy lately, what with all the procrastinating that so often happens this time of year.

Hayley is 14 now, and a vampire. To keep from being staked her cover is being a cheerleader and a mentor in the mentoring program at school, as well as earning a Chase Youth Award for her part in reading stories to children in the hospital. She spends most of her time brooding, sighing, and acquiring shoes (even teen vampire angst can’t trump fashion). We rarely see her at all, since she spends almost all her time in her room, with the music up loud. We only see her at meal times and when wrestling is on TV. Though she is a vampire, we are in no fear of her biting us, as she assures us we have absolutely no taste. Besides, she is saving herself for Edward Cullen. Her story is soon to be a motion picture starring Morgan Freeman as Hayley.

Jeremy has reached the ripe old age of 10, and believe me, sometimes he is indeed quite ripe. His plans for the New Year include changing his name to George, moving in with Weird Al Yankovic, and writing a spirited new revision of Puff the Magic Dragon, while wrestling for the WWE in his spare time. He is in 5th grade now, and thinks that he has learned everything he needs to know. This has led to his petitioning to skip grades 6 through 12, letting the Ivy League schools resume their bidding war for him. His story is soon to be a motion picture starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Jeremy.

Mollie, as you know, tried to show Jeremy how “fun” and “safe” water parks are this summer. She sprained her wrist in June, then broke her leg in two places in August, while going down a water slide, thus necessitating the metal plate in her leg (seriously, you can’t make this stuff up). She really enjoyed her time stuck in a wheelchair, although not as much as the joy of sliding herself up the stairs to use our only bathroom on the second floor. For the New Year, she is planning to show Jeremy how “fun” and “safe” bungee jumping and sky surfing can be. Her story is soon to be a motion picture starring Eddie Izzard as Mollie.

Paul turned 40 this year, and much to Mollie’s chagrin took it in stride (You’re old now – accept it!). As the father of a beautiful 14-year-old girl, he is planning on acquiring a potent and sizeable firearms collection. He has perfected his menacing scowl to ward off potential suitors. And his favorite part of all of this is that Hayley can’t complain if he’s cleaning his guns if a potential date comes over, because the dad in Twilight was doing the same thing (yes, you did just hear her roll her eyes). He followed his minions to first grade this year, hoping to further their evil potential. His story is soon to be a motion picture starring Britney Spears as Paul (they’ve both been bald).

We hope everyone has a “fun” and “safe” holiday season!

The Coffeys