2006

Dear Those Lucky Enough To Be Reading This Letter –

Yes, just barely in time, it’s the near-legendary Coffey Christmas Letter!

This year Paul went back to selling Tupperware (to which the most common response was, “You quit?”) as a means of world conquest. When that didn’t succeed he decided that the best way to take over the world was to mold the minds of children. Since Hayley’s 6th grade class & Jeremy’s 3rd grade class were moldy enough, he became a teacher’s aide for the 1st Grade. The upside is that young children are easy to mold. The downside is that Paul will have to wait for them to grow up to take over the world.

Jeremy tried to get kicked out of school so he could be sent to military school. He figured that military school would be a great place to get well-trained minions. Unfortunately, an attempt to get his lackeys on America’s Funniest Home Videos caused such havoc and widespread injury that he returned to All Saints to attend the 3rd grade. He is currently working on a new plan to take over the world.

After finding last year’s resolution to break all 10 Commandments too easy, Mollie decided she would spend this year committing all 7 Deadly Sins. This caused us all concern when we discovered a new 4 1/2 inch scar on her shoulder. She claims it was from a surgery to remove skin cancer, but as it happened during her “Wrath” stage we suspect it came from a knife fight. Unfortunately, she won’t make it all the way through the sins this year – she hit “Sloth” and hasn’t done a thing since. Next year she’ll put “Sloth” as the 7th Sin, all the better to take over the world. (And she might just do “Gluttony” twice).

Hayley presented the stereotypical image of a pre-teen 6th grader – she spent all of her time in her room listening to her music and playing Sims on her computer. She barely would come out for food or to watch Harry Potter. It turns out that she’s actually been trying to work out the harmonics to mix music and computer games to hypnotize people and take over the world.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (“What are we going to do next year, Brain?” “The same thing we do every year, Pinky. Try to take over the world!”)